A Christmas message: ‘Hope shines brightest in our darkest of moments’

For most of his adult life, Stephen Parker has lived with complex mental health conditions, which have significantly impacted how he felt about his future. By his own admission, he has lived through some dark times. Here, he shares how Christmas played its part in the decline of his mental health but, despite that, he found hope. Now he works at the complex mental health charity St Andrew’s Healthcare, where he supports other people, who feel they have hit rock bottom, find their light.

I write as a man who has lived with enduring complex mental health for 25 years, having been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Recurrent Clinical Depression in 2000. For 18 years I struggled to navigate how to live with these conditions and became completely isolated away from everyone and everything. Having spent a large part of my adult life by myself, unable to go out and interact with people, I had become socially inept.

I had attempted to take my own life several times. I felt like I did not have a future.

The sad realisation hit me that somehow, along the line I had become almost ‘socially disabled’ by my illness. There is a difference between someone’s identity and their sense of self. My illnesses were, and still are part of me, which therefore helps define my identity, but when they take over my sense of self, that is where mental illness is at its most pervasive and psychologically damaging.

When I reflect and look back I realise that many dark periods of time seemed to be around Christmas. This is hard to admit, because we’re told it’s a joyful, happy time of year, filled with love and laughter.

But for me, and I expect many, many people out there, those fun, festive images we’re forced to see are a far cry from how some of us may be feeling.

December has always been a month I’ve approached with trepidation as I had started to associate Christmas with negative life events.

Now that I live alongside my illnesses and manage my symptoms more than they control me, I can see how a depressed frame of mind can conjure up ‘imaginary correlations’. By this, I mean that Christmas got the blame for all negativity in my life – even though some of the experiences or challenges I had overcome had not happened anywhere near the festive period.

Eventually, I realised Christmas was influencing my mood at least three months before the day itself. It had become such a damaging time for me that I wished that I could go to sleep on Christmas Eve and not wake up until mid-January, around the time that people stop wishing each other a Happy New Year. At my bleakest, the hope was to not wake up at all.

Of course, kind family and friends rallied around, having seen first-hand my December distress and they would invite me to join them for Christmas lunch.

I would accept out of politeness, but deep down, my heart wasn’t in it. I didn’t really want to be involved.

Additionally, paranoia was alive and kicking.

The constant torment, which rolled round my head, kept telling me: “They don’t really want you here.”

My self-doubt repeatedly saying: “They are just doing ‘the right thing’ because it’s Christmas.”

While the internal monologue continued, I tried to appear joyful in order not to ruin everyone else’s Christmas, but it was a challenge.

I felt parasitical, a leper residing in a healthy society. My self-esteem was rock bottom and my sense of self was damaged beyond belief. 

I don’t think people realise just how lonely a person can feel, despite being in a room full of people.

After a few years of this annual torment I was eventually introduced to a tool which helped me see things completely differently.

The Wellness Recovery Action Planning (WRAP) helps someone take control of their wellness. This approach is a self-management plan which enables a person to better manage their mental health.

This tool eventually helped me to identify that Christmas had become one of my ‘triggers’. This meant the annual festive period drastically impacted my whole mental health, so I needed a plan in order to prevent a decline in my wellbeing.

So, with a certain amount of trepidation, I embarked on doing just that.

I realised that I needed to feel useful to society – I wanted to feel part of it. Someone suggested I needed to find something to take my mind off the festive period. On reflection, I needed something to do that gave me a purpose.

So, I joined a local charity in Southampton, where I lived at the time, and helped served Christmas lunch to homeless people and others who had fallen on hard times.

Having a plan and a goal gave me hope, purpose and finally some meaning to Christmas.

I had no preconceptions; all I knew was that I would be useful and helping others. The day went by in a blur and I can honestly say, that as a non-religious man, for the very first time I felt what the true spirit of Christmas means.

The kindness of strangers and the hope given to those who needed it, lifted me. There was not an expensive gift in sight. That day helped restore my faith in people and looking back, probably made me want to live life again.

Gradually, today became better than the day before, and I was a part of this revitalisation. I realised that I wanted to help people. This stocked up my personal hope bank; things could be better.

After at least a decade of treatment and therapy, I was fortunate to secure a temporary contract within the NHS to help other people with complex mental ill health. This helped make me feel less alone during business hours. For someone who had spent a large amount of time being supported by benefits, this felt like a huge step.

I found work gave me a sense of utility and purpose, and gradually I built up my skills, confidence and CV, so now I am working part-time in a role that fulfils me.

Everyday, I get up and had to work at St Andrew’s Healthcare, which is a complex mental health charity. There, my sole motivation is to help individuals find hope for their future. It means so much that I can draw on my own personal experience, to help others.

So, this is what I would say to anyone who struggles with Christmas, or even with life in general… there is hope, and hope shines brightest in our darkest of moments, you just have to open your eyes.